May 13, 2005

• “And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7 
  
  Christ is Risen! 
  
  What is a family in the eyes of God? How does the Church view family? What are some traits of a healthy family? This is what we’re addressing today. After all, when we work with children, their families, and our own families, it’s nice to know what to aim for. Let’s not forget that the church is a family as well, and we can use the following “blueprint” for our own ministries.
  
  With love in Christ,
  
  The Department of Youth and Young Adult Ministries

  
  

  15 CHARACTERISTICS OF A HEALTHY FAMILY

  
  

  Taken from Blueprint for a Family by Fr John Dresko
  
  1. The healthy family communicates and listens. When someone wants to show you the ultimate disrespect, they tune you out! In a healthy family, we recognize that everyone has a basic need to be heard. That doesn’t necessarily mean agreed with!
  
  2. The healthy family affirms and supports. Responsibility brings freedom, achievement brings support, and loyalty brings commitment. If we give our kids responsibility and they meet it, we have to trust them with more freedom to decide things. When they achieve something, even if it is not “our” interest, they have a right to our support. They must be loyal to their decisions – if someone wants to play the French horn, they have to do it right for three months, even if they quit after that.
  
  3. The healthy family teaches respect for others. Beginning at home, if we can’t respect and love each other, what kind of people are we? A study shows that Christians who come from “happy” (their definition) homes also have a social conscience [and engage in charitable acts] – they love their neighbors.
  
  4. The healthy family develops a sense of trust. Protection, safety, security for kids. The crisis comes when that trust is shattered, for it takes years to rebuild.
  
  5. The healthy family has a sense of play and humor. If you can’t laugh at yourself and among yourselves, this world will crush you. Many times laughter is the only thing that keeps us from crying.
  
  6. The healthy family shares responsibility. That develops character, and responsible people at home are responsible people everywhere. And vice versa.
  
  7. The healthy family teaches right and wrong. To function as human beings, we need to have clearly defined limits. We are most happy when we know exactly what our limits are – even if we occasionally break those limits. At least we know them.
  
  8. The healthy family has a strong sense of kinship with many traditions. Of course, we Orthodox are great at this! But the happiest memories a person has are of family traditions from growing up. Many spend years trying to recapture those days.
  
  9. The healthy family has a balance of interaction. It is good for the family to function as the sum of many parts, but in no case should the child be allowed to become the head. That is dad or mom!
  
  10. The healthy family has a strong, shared religious core. Studies have shown the tension in families of mixed religions, but it is more important to share a common set of beliefs. Right and wrong. Good and bad. Ideally, it would be shared by the whole family in the same structure of the Church.
  
  11. The healthy family respects the privacy of one another. This is especially important as the kids get older. We do need our privacy. Many times there is not a lot to be said between a 40-year old and his 15-year old child. That’s OK.
  
  12. The healthy family values service to others. When we are selfish, our family is dysfunctional. See no. 3.
  
  13. The healthy family fosters family table time and conversation. A special pox on television. It makes zombies who simply eat, sleep, procreate, and watch TV. Communication (no. 1 above) is impossible if the TV is on. At the very least, try to have some time together at the table once in a while. It has to be a priority to break into our busy lives!
  
  14. The healthy family shares leisure time. What is more healthy than a family that enjoys each other’s company, even when they don’t “have” to?
  
  15. The healthy family admits to problems and seeks help. We are not perfect, so at least, as Christians, let’s give each other the proper example of humility, repentance and guidance. My kids need to be forgiven, but so do I!
  
  
  10 PITFALLS OF FAMILY LIFE

  
  

  1. We all have experiences of “family.” When we begin to build our own families, we bring baggage with us. Some of that baggage is good, but some is also bad. We shouldn’t try to “shoe-horn” our particular family into an image that we have of family. Some of us would like things to be exactly as they were when we were little. Some of us would like things to be exactly opposite of when we were little. Most of us settle for a blend. Very few families are the Cleavers (from Leave it to Beaver) and very few families are the Simpsons or the Bundys (from Married with Children). Most of us limp along doing our best.

  
  

  2. All families are unique. My family does not have the same type of relations as the one next door. Perceptions are very important – remember, the first child perceives things very differently from the second, etc.

  
  

  3. The family, especially today, is stressed. They cannot do everything that needs to be done, so stress is released in different ways – some of them abusive.

  
  

  4. The family is the focus of the problems we deal with today. Many times, a man can’t yell at his boss, so he yells at his wife, who then yells at the kids, who then yell at each other and the dog! And on and on and on…

  
  

  5. When the family life is bad, it is really bad – in fact, it’s hell.

  
  

  6. When the family life is good – it is never as good as expected.

  
  

  7. The family is the most intensive and extensive relationship most of us will know. The “nuclear” family is a title that is only a little out of place. When explosions happen, they are incredibly intense.

  
  

  
  8. By nature, the family is a relationship of “dependents” – and since no one likes to be dependent upon someone else, it breeds hostility.

  
  

  9. The family is “community” par excellence, but with that “commune” also comes independent feelings, selfish feelings, etc., which destroys the ideal of community.

  
  

  10. The ideal analogy to represent the family is the Holy Trinity – but that icon leads us to also believe that we are doomed from the beginning, because no one lives up to the ideal.

  
  

  
  For the entirety of this article, please see

  
  

  http://www.theologic.com/oflweb/inhome/build.htm

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