October 20, 2007
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~Irony- Parenting 2 year olds and 10 year olds!~
Last night, I was peeling shrimp for my 2 year daughter’s birthday dinner, and looking out the front kitchen window as the little girls in the neighborhood flocked, with their eyes all a glow, to Basil, my 10 year old; he is quite a hit in the neighborhood. At the same moment the phone rings and it is a girl aged 11, for the upteenth time that day, calling to speak to Basil my fourth grader! What’s up with that? Should girls be calling boys? Should they be allowed to play at one another’s house? I have talked a little bit with Basil about this.
My dh told me in the airport yesterday, on his way back home from a Church conference, he saw a book by an Orthodox Christian author Dr. John Chirban that he wished he had bought. Has anyone read his work? What are your thoughts and what have you said to your children?
I DREAD having this talk but I think I will dole it out a little at a time, like I have been doing, all the way expressing to my boys the importance of treating girls like they were the Mother of God herself! This kind of language and understanding of love, purity and virginity is so foreign to most people but I didn’t want it any other way for my life and I certainly don’t want it any other way for my children’s life. Girls can be quite forward and obsessive though and it just sets them up for a life time of trouble and boys need to know how to deal with this. It is up to parents of boys to speak to their boys about how to treat a girl and how to live a pure life. Just this week I heard about schools giving birth control to 11 year olds. These are children! Children that still need hugs and kisses from their parents. NOT from a boyfriend or girlfriend!
Please share your experiences talking with your children. The other thing is, whatever I share with Basil aged 10 is bound to be shared with Nicholas 8 and then trickled down to Jonah 6. As I write this all four of the children are playing nicely on the family room floor with Legos and Mr. Potato head!
Comments (13)
First of all, bravo for your attitude! :goodjob:
Secondly, I must say I saw this coming. Basil is very handsome. :fun:
Ditto (I agree with Linda)!
well, my 12 yo dd best friend is a boy and they play together often usually at his house, because he has a cool gamestation lol. I talked with her slowly over a few years actually. I started earlier than I wanted to really, since I knew they would be learning some in 6th grade health. Oh and yes the sharing with siblings lol. I let her know that some things are not meant for little ears and if she has a question about sex, or body ‘things’ to let me know and we will talk privately.
I agree…you are not over-reacting to this forward attention of a girl calling a boy, especially if it is tied to roamntic attention. It sure sounds as if she needs someone who cares about her well-being ( and it sounds ike it may need to be you) to advocate on her behalf to help her see the beauty she has inside that God sees and treasures. Our conversations with our 13 year old son have sounded alot like what you describe – purity and strength. I’ve even used that phrase about a girl being treated like the Mother of God.
11 &12 year olds still need the comfort of hand holding, hugs and forehead kisses. They need parental affection which looks out for their best and protects their body, heart and soul. A daughter gains so much from the honest, pure love of her father who wants to make the world a better place just for her. A son gains so much from the honest, pure love of his mother who looks in his heart and sees the man he can be and helps him see it for himself.
You have an intruiging post tonight – I am praying for you during this time of gentle affection, growing up and growing deep.
happy birthday to Maria Angelica!!!! (a little late) I will have to think about this one ~ I can’t remember the name of the book we used for the talk with our girls. I think it was by Stan Jones. Anyway it was helpful. My 12 year old has friends that are boys, but they see each other in groups at church or 4H. She is not in the least interested in boys romantically. I think you are wise to set your boundaries now as to what kind of interaction will take place in your home (the visits and phone call things), and in teaching Basil to set appropriate boundaries, and the reasons behind those boundaries. We live in such a sex saturated culture! Oy! Lord have mercy on us and on our children.
I am going to have to think about that one too. I will be all eyes because I am a little apprehensive about it all! My 9 yo just plays and visits with his female friends at church or when the families visit. My 6 yo though is very aware of possible future husbands. She wants babies! She knows you can only have a baby if you are married so we are fine there :p
I just ran across that book just this past week - I was thinking about getting it too. I think those talks all depend on your own child – their experiences, their upbringing, etc. I’ve geared that talk on an individual basis and always at the level they are ready to hear about it….but I completely agree on the content. Niki has gotten bits and pieces since she was about 7 y.o. How I present it – it has depended on the circumstances. There have been times I’ve talked with her because of a comment made by someone and she overheard it. There have been times where I needed to talk to her because of actions relatives have decided to take. There was a time I talked to her because she got jewelry from a boy at school (2nd grade!!!! The mom bought it specifically for her son to give to my daughter!!!), or a boy has asked her to be his girlfriend… and just a myriad of things that go with it. I think not only do you present it because you want them to retain their purity and respect for one another but you also have to deal with the emotions and peer pressure related to having a “girlfriend/boyfriend” at a ridiculously young age. I’ve explained that feeling “accepted” does not need to come from having a boyfriend because everyone else is doing it. I’ve also explained that having a boyfriend does not validate your attractiveness. Just wait and see the intensity of this in a couple of years! Wow! Niki has several boys that have ”asked her out”. Be thankful you’re able to monitor this through how many times this girl calls on the phone. Once they have email – it gets much more difficult. We’ve made some strict rules about the computer because of it including saying no to myspace and facebook.
Good advice from everyone. As a mom (who is now a grandma!), we had the same problem with our boys. Our son (who has made me the very proud Grandma that I am) started getting phone calls from girls at a young age (pre-teen). His response (which we GLADLY carried out) was never to answer the phone. We were to answer it, and if it was a girl, we were to pass on his response, which was….”if I want to talk to you, I’ll call you!”
Sounds like you are handling everything fine, open communication is the best policy. It is SO SAD that we live in such a sex-crazed society. I could go on and on, but, I’d best quit! Blessings on your day!
Prayers for you on dealing with this. God will give you the words and the wisdom to handle this.
You know, Mara has already been through several infatuations. There was a boy in pre-k last year, and now there’s a boy in her kindergarten class. She says, “I don’t know how I fell in love with ____, but I just did!” Or, “I want to marry ____.” Or, “I want to wear a dress so ____ will think I’m pretty.” Which is odd, because she’ll also say, “I want to wear boy clothes so that ____ will play Star Wars with me.”
And then there’s the kissing. She told us about the time ___ kissed her, but the teacher told us she was chasing the boys and trying to kiss them. We told Mara she’s not allowed to kiss boys we haven’t met. That worked fine for about 2 weeks, until there was a parents meeting and ___ was there. She pulled him over, saying, “My daddy wants to meet you!”
I’m convinced that Mara has to be well-informed at all stages, but of course, it’s hard to know exactly what that means. So far, I’ve worked on developing a sense of self and ownership of her own body. Of course, we’ve been working on what real love means and who gets to kiss who. None of it matters though, as she’s pretty impulsive and does what she wants. I have no doubt that will continue, despite my best efforts to educate her and help guide her. I’m in for trouble when she’s 10, 15, 20!
RYC: Anytime you are driving back home…we are literally right off 71. About 5 minutes off….we would love to have you whenever…even if it is a 5 minute notice. :giggle: And we are much further north!
Oh my goodness. I am so not ready for this. Madeline is 11 and she knows about her period and stuff but not the other half of the equation. She is allowed to have boys that are friends but not boy friends. no talk of love, no flirting, no dressing to attract attention, no doors closed when any friends are over.
We just reinforce that family and friends come first and there is no reason to be exclusive friends with anyone unless you are ready to marry them. That she can be friends with everyone and love everyone and have fun with everyone. that the whole boy friend things is just a stupid game. a way for people to make themselves feel special. (especially when you are 11 for crying out loud!!)
it seems like whenever it has come up there was someone else pushing it for whatever reason. one girl had a crush and she pushed the others to name their crush. It was all so weird and icky but looking back I can see that is how it was for us. we weren’t really interested in the boys but we had to have someone . . so we picked the cutes, most socially acceptable guy and pretended to have a crush on him.
as for phone calls. . . we don’t really allow a lot of chatting on the phone period. I can’t imagine letting her call a boy.
My boys are 16, 19, and 24 and we still have those ‘talks.’ Fortunately, we have set a precedent from an early age (homeschooling helps a LOT with such a precedent) and they still come to me for advice and to bounce ideas off me. It is a rocky road to be sure, because there is soooo much out there that counters what we are saying. There have been times when they went their own way anyways, but in hindsight found out that Mom did have a bit of wisdom after all.